I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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