You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
