Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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