i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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