i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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