i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
