3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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