There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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