it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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