Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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