Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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