Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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