so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
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Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
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Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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