The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you didnt know i had herpes?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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