listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
