Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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