remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
how drunk are you?
Several
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
