Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
