From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
