I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
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He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
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Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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