Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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