Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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