He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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