Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
