I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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