I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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