eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
