There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
pop tarts are not kleenex
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
