I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
