my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
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my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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