Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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