You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
