So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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