I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
