WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
