im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
