Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
