if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I am available for nakedness
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
