I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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