I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
