Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
