A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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