I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
