Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
