'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
