Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
