Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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