I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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