He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
