conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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