Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
