i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
