I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
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THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
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I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.