The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
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Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
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She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.