We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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