Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
