Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
