M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
